I Miss You...

There's a hole in my heart.. and it looks like you..

Will miss you forever!!!

Theres an ache in my heart,

Like its been hit by a dart...

An ever growing pain that just wont go.
Theres water in my eyes,

Like its been raining from the skies...

That’s the only way I let my emotions flow.
Theres a sorrow in my tone,

So I am sitting here alone…

I wont talk else my sadness would show.
Theres secret I have kept,

And theres a reason, I wept…

And that’s something I wont let, anyone, ever know!

Happiness...

What is happiness???

Is it the fleeting emotion you experience when you are doing something you are good at or when you achieve something you thought you were never capable of? Is it the feeling you get when you are assured of not falling, not failing or is the state of mind you achieve when things go your way?
Is happiness a temporary hormonal reaction your body/mind/heart (I am still not sure which part of "us" has the sensory receptors of happiness same way as I don't know where exactly on my tongue i feel sour and chilly hot) experiences under certain specific/general but favorable circumstances!!

I searched Wikipedia (where I think you can find anything, even the lost left of your blue socks), and this is what the wiki-guy has to say about Happiness-
Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.[1] A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources.
Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. Happiness in this older sense was used to translate the Greek Eudaimonia, and is still used in virtue ethics.

To understand this I guess I would require Dictionary.com and more Wikipedia :|.

After "wiki-ing" I decided to seek my answer in the quotes of some famous men/women. Most of them, as per my understanding, weren't sure either! (I am not trying to draw any corollaries here .. :/).However the words did leave a smile on my face...happiness?? I dont know.

I could still not find a convincing answer to "What is happiness?"

Is happiness, as some Unknown guy, said,
Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have. or is it dwellings of soul
(one more part of human anatomy I dont know the location of, but its supposed to be somewhere inside us, where.. no one knows)...

Is happiness the conviction that you are loved or is it lack of self doubt, discontentment, anxiety, grief, jealousy and so on...

What is happiness after all....

13th floor

"We fight the shadows,
in search of light,
Awaiting the dawn
in this dark night.."

These are not my lines...and I dont know who wrote them... but yes I heard them from Purab Kohli (and also Sandhya Mridul) ... thats all for the credits!

Anyway, these four lines... spoken out loud in two languages really left a mark on me...
I read them inthe subtitles, I heard them loud and clear with deep emphasis on every single word... and yes! it fits!
For almost two years I have been looking for something... and even though I have found a few things, I am not sure if they are what I was looking for. So my search continues.....
The strange thing is, I realize that the certain something, I was looking for is not what I have achieved after all this insane effort slash hard-work and this realization more than often comes right after i have blown the victory bigul...and so it turns out, what should have been "neighbours envy owners pride" is just something owner has disowned... I just wouldnot desire it anymore as if I dint ever want it!!!!
I reason myself by calling them underachievements... but if they really are underachievements then I shoulnot regret letting them go? That means, this post shouldnot exist!! But it does!! Its as if I wont have it but I wont have it gone either!
I believe I am cursed... I am cursed to be waiting... to be wanting... to not know what I want or what I am waiting for..
But one thing I think is not part of this evil spell cast on me is the drive I have to keep wanting and keep waiting...
I once read somewhere, 'we all were born with reasons...' ... and to some extent I have found one of the reasons for my existence... but I guess there are more... and I am waiting!!!!

i want...

i want to be part of a play,

i want to live on a mountain,

i want to dive into a river, bathe in waterfall,

i want to make and play music,

i want to be stranded on a railway station and fall in love,

i want to dance under the stars in a snowy night,

i want to walked barefoot on wet sand with a hand in my hand,

i want to wear a white gown and look beautiful,

i want to be swept off my feet by my prince on a stallion,

i want to hear my name in 'his' heartbeats,

i want to be held with love, for what would seem like eternity,

i want to laugh so much that it'd make my eyes tear,

i want to have a song written for me,

i want someone to tell me how i complete him,

i want to have a ring of petal on my finger,

i want to be proposed,

i want to be looked upto,

i want to be successful in whatever i do

i want to love my job,

i want to have a proud lover,

i want to be kissed,

Bachpan

Got this in a text msg.. but i totally liked it and now it finds its place at the 53rd position on my blog... ada!

बचपन के दिन भी कितने अछे थे,

तब तो सिर्फ खिलोने टूटा करते थे,

वो खुशियाँ भी न जाने कैसी खुशियाँ थीं,

तितली को पकड़ के उछला करते थे,

पाँव मार के खुद बारिश के पानी में,

अपने आप को भिगोया करते थे,

अब तो एक आंसू भी रुसवा कर जाता है,

बचपन में तो दिल खोल के रोया करते थे...

Just a thought

Have you ever experienced this, that, when you keep looking at something for too long while paying less attention... you lose focus and that thing either starts blurring or, kind of, multiplies... I suggest pay attention... that thing may just be a solution or a problem!!!

randomly yours....

staring at the wall
welled up eyes...
with pain in my chest
my heart cries...

love...
lost...
realized...

feel like drowning
choked with lies..
he smiles....

and she dies.

2nd July

Happy Birthday Pa!

I love you the most !

The Night I did IT...

** wait!!! stop imagining stuff before even reading!!!! **



All right, so I am finally doing this. I had decided and in a way vowed never to really write about "how my days been" kinda post here, as in on this blog(yeah!! stalker... I got more blog(s)), because that would make me a serious blogger, which by the way I am not (check archives for evidence).

My day, sucked... not entirely but in a way it did entirely. There were small parts where i smiled and laughed...(hence, "the not entirely") but since these parts either happened in my head, or in a sarcastic manner, I say "in a way it did entirely".

I wouldnt really bore you with, details, but I will definitely share the part where I met my own ghost, from the past.

After a really long time I was having these imaginary converstaions both in my head and in the air!. I was imagining weird stuff the same way I used to when I was in college.... I had completely forgotten about that part of my personality..... But it came back to me, both in a good and a bad fashion. I say good, because I was funny up there(in my head) I invented jokes and scenarios which are definitely a comic-strip kind of funny, maybe a sitcom level too...and bad because I was mean and as a certain someone would put it 'non-sarcatically irritating and teasingly pinchy'!

Well I know I am not sweetest person on earth, but I had been rather sweet sober and very docile for a long time now(except for my fight with almost every one in my family, till yesterday... and for records, I wasnot entirely the 'only' culprit).

Anyway, I was watching 'How I Met Your Mother' (Season 2, first time) and I realized I was feeling different. I wanted to act weird, and I did, I wanted to write, which too I did, and have a fight, well! I had already done that but well! I continued with it, so hell! yeah I did that too.

I am still feeling strangely different and I dont know what I would want to do next... but I really hope its better that the last thing I wanted to do... And for you, dear reader(/stalker).. if I continued to want to write, i might just b back tomorow... so do watch the space(/keep stalking)!!!!



BTW, naah!! I am not doing it again.. so move on read the next blog you find(/keep stalking... I dont have many stalkers ;) )



P.S. Although I know I was very mean, selfish, insensitive and 'non-sarcatically irritating and teasingly pinchy' to a certain someone, I really feel that i did the right thing!! You say - "How rude!!!" and I say "mind your own god! damn business"

...if you'd ever asked me and I was not-drunk and not-stoned and not-a-lot-of-other-things, I'd probably tell you this too was among my ideas of picture-perfect romance

1. This blog is not dead.
2. I think I can still rhyme.
3. Indian Ocean should really hire me for writing lyrics for their "songs???"
4. My phone hasnt rung in last 12 hours.
5. I have to reduce my weight else shop more clothes
6. I dont want anyone getting married anymore.
7.This blog has a middle finger which it is pointing at you right now.
8.Baloo is a great dog better than dodo but he will die, soon.
9.I dont have a career.
10.I dont have INR 50,00,000 (fifty fugging facs) to get CMU stamp in my resume.
11.I dont fit into the jeans I bought last to last month.
12.And I don't even friggin' care.
13.My cars number plate is hanging.
14.If you do not have a spine I could lend you mine.
15. Mohit Chauhan better be good looking.
16.This blog has no title.
17.But this blog has a butt.*jiggle jiggle*

लोग कहने लगे हैं....

वोह कहते हैं की हम खुश नज़र आने लगे हैं आज कल,
किसी की मोहब्बत में पड़े हैं या किसी के गम से उभरें हैं...
हम भी मुस्कुरा देते हैं और कहते हैं उन्हें की
किसी और में नही ये बात की हमें बदल दे वोह तो हम ही बहुत दिनों बाद ख़ुद से मिले हैं...

वोह कहते हैं की बदले हुए से मिजाज़ नज़र आते हैं आपके
क्या कुछ मिल गया है जन्नत से जनाब को
हम भी शोखी से कह जाते हिं ऐसे में,
जन्नत हमारे दम से है हम जन्नत के मोहताज नही...

Forever

Theres nothing that we call Forever...




But how I wish it was!

from here n there

not just once
it has happened time n again
i look into the mirror
n relive the pain
the pain of being me
the pain no one else wud know
the pain i have always had
the pain i'll keep to grow
i m not sorry fr wat i am
i am happy in my empire of dust
all i want is to stay in my shell
coz i dont have no one to trust
i m sad but i m not sorry
coz i have learnt to live this way
i have lived being me fr 21 yrs now....
n this is hw i'll fray!!

I had written this bit long back(yes, its been long since I was 21) in a friends blog as a comment... n I realize all these years passed n lifes still the same to me....

I want the Rainbow....

I dont feel pretty, not any more
I want the rainbow, to colour my soul!

I was losing myself with my colours
But i did not understand then
and now i am monochrome
I cant tell apart shadow from my reflection

Violet was my radiance...
and I lost it to the world so sad
With blue I lost
All the stability and the faith I ever had

Indigo was my love for myself
My thoughts and my individuality
Red took with itself all the romance and my fantasies
and brought me face to face with 'what they call' reality

Losing yellow rendered me joyless
I lost my spunk... my tears I could no more hide
Orange gone and so is my enthusiasm
I have lost the furor I once signified....

With green I lost the harmony
I once had with my soul,
But now I want my colours back
I want my rainbow, whole...

... Crap... yeah.. its me!

These days I have been thinking...
yes, talking less thinking more,
good or bad - dunno
but its not normal thats for sure.

I think of times when we laughed
and its strange that it makes me cry
and then when i want to smile again
i pick up a fight..... lol.... dunno why.

There was once a time
when they called me "cute"...
i was "sweet" for some time after that
and then they named me "rude"...

Who am I... i really dont care anymore
so trying to figure THAT out is vain,
'Cause for some i will still be nice, to some rude
but for a few i know, i will always be a pain ;)

And as usual, i have lost track again
guess its cause i m talking after long...
my heart may have gone weaker
but my finger muscles are strong :)

Now getting back to the story
which i have here to share
the story is of my life... naah!
i know you'd least care!!!

The story's not yet complete
and it will take some time
hey did u notice as well
some how i can still rhyme... :))

dheere dheere haule haule

zindagi ke maayne jaan rahe hain hum...
dheere dheer haule haule
ek "naye-khud" ko pehchaan rahe hain hum...
dheer dheere haule haule
uljhanon ke bhanwar se iss dil ko nikaal rahe hain hum
dheere dheere haule haule
majhdahaar mein dagmagaati kashti apni sambhaal rahe hain hum
dheere dheere haule haule

zindagi......

woh ehsaas jise gham kehti hai duniya
muskuraate hue jiye ja rahe hain,
woh paani jise aansoon kehti hai duniya
khud se chhupake piye ja rahe hain,
woh tukde jinhe yaadein kehti hai duniya
apni saanson se unko siye jaa rahe hain,
woh log thi basti jinse duniya hamaari
mohabbat ke dhoke diye ja rahe hain......

Love you....

The missing part of my heart