So, here I am, at my Motivated( 20%), Jealous (10%), Free (30%), Aching( 5%), Waiting (15%), Struggling (10%) and Creative(10% ) best!!!
It has been so long that I have posted on this blog that instead of logging into my bloggers account I am typing on a word document, not out of habit… yeah been writing too many documents at work… but out of sheer uncertainty. Uncertain! I am about just too many things… but I am also scared to voice them out.
Life hasn’t been out right evil to me… no. Though I have had major setbacks in my life… some deep depressions too and a few famines as well, now that we are counting, but I know I have had a pretty decently normal life so far.
It is the complexities of this normalcy that makes me all nervy.
I am Engaged to be married to my Boy Friend of almost 6 years. Great News?!?! Yes indeed!! Excited?!?!? Well… not really. I am normal. No butterflies in the stomach… no soon to be a bride jitters… nothing. I am normal. I am my cynical, sarcastic, extremely moody, frequently arrogant NORMAL self!
I wanted to get married… till last November, maybe because… I don’t remember now, why… but I did for some real reason want to get married. I was the one who bugged him to let his parents know… I would go about narrating to him every single statement my family made in regards with my marriage… to show urgency and criticality of the matter.
April, Engaged. May, uncertain….. Dec, approaching too soon!!!
I am uncertain, but not about getting married to him. He is the only person I would want to get married to, whenever I do. It’s just that I am so comfortably normal that it doesn’t seem right.
You don’t get married everyday…. It is once in a life time event (I am talking in my own respect)… so why the hell am I so frigging normal. I want to feel all the emotions I haven’t felt in all these years… I want my eyes to well up or my cheeks to turn pink or maybe just a few goose bumps!! But nope!! Nothing. Normal!!
I guess, maybe, as the time progresses (like it is not already….) I will start getting all those things a bride to be needs to know before she becomes the bride…
I want to be one hellov a difficult, anxious, tantrum-ish bride who would convulse at any and all the time…. Then I guess it would not be so frigging NORMAL!
So, now I am on my own... really!
From waking up in the morning to travel for an hour and fifteen minutes to catch bus to office, to fixing dinner when I come back at 1030 tired and completely worn out!!
Independence -Freedom at a Cost....!!
He asked her, 'your last wish??'
She answered, 'you may take my soul but let me have my last dance...'
and she danced and danced and danced...
To me dance isnot an art, its not a hobby, its not something that amuses me... Dance is how I express myself... happy or sad... unsatisfied or content... dancing is how I become me again. It makes me high, intoxicates me...
I free myself with every tap of my toe and every turn of my wrist...
I was there too... did you notice? I visit you sometimes and wonder if you do too. Thats not correct, I should have said I visit me there sometimes, the me- that I lost gradually over time, over a decade.
I visit to see if I am new or still the same, within... am I changing or adapting, I dont know.. do you?
I always believed in signs... I thought I read them well but I am not so sure anymore.
Do you even remember me? Do you visit me? ever? I hope you do... I hope you still care... I hope you still see me!
Do you ever still think of me? I do... sometimes...
I think of your quiets, I think of you secret glances, I think of you following me, I think of you appreciating me, I think of you letting me go, I think of you not noticing me, I think of you moving on, I think of you never looking back..... Oh this noise in my head!!
I am often overcome with some memories of the past. They stay with me for a while, make me smile and like a wave leaving the shores, retreat!
Some of my fondest memories, I am going to list out. And hope to keep adding more to this list.
1. Last bench of the class room, by the window, noise around me but I felt so peaceful. I remember I was singing a song and I remember my friend who I dearly loved sat beside me smiling and doodling. Years later when we met briefly that was the only peaceful memory I had of my friend.
2. Last day of school, one simple hug and I knew we will not meet again. But I also knew we'll be friends still!
3. College, he was standing besides me, totally checking me out! i wasnt offended strangely enough and found his mannerisms funny. He talked to me and and thought I was cool. He asked a friend about me and I surprised him by walking up to him and being friendly. The short guy, who bleached his body hair - Khobe, you will always be remembered!
4. Giggling and laughing sitting on the first bench, getting thrown out of the class by - whats his "eye balls"! Hilarious!!
5. The day i wore 69 (front) and player (back) tee to college - I had no clue it meant something other than a numbered jersey!!!
6. Those bike rides and basket ball games!! How I wish I could travel back in time!!
7. The Car pool- maruti van - resting my head on Sam's (rather wide for an 18 yr old) shoulders - overhearing the gossips ;)
8. Eiti's zen and hours spent in parking lot!!!
9. Workshop and ED class - i think I loved Engineering Drawing and Workshops
10. Poster competition with Rashi - we made peace/earth or something!
11. Inventing gaalis - on chat!!
12. A walk with Sam discussing life in general - that was the day I discovered something about him that I didn't know before.
14. Trip to Agra - Everything about it.
15. Dancing under the stars.
16. A lap a head and some heart to heart!!....
slowly the fog covers my thoughts the thoughts which had you close and near thoughts which were true thoughts of moments spent together and the dreams of a future hand in hand looking deep into your eyes... suddenly your face started to blurr fade into that thickening fog smoke of my burning heart lost once again... but this time i lost you and found myself!!