Getting over my first love...

took 20 years...
and now i am over it- for real!!

Draft : 08/03/2011

Taking one sip at a time...

Draft : 05/21/2011

So, here I am, at my Motivated( 20%), Jealous (10%), Free (30%), Aching( 5%), Waiting (15%), Struggling (10%) and Creative(10% ) best!!!
It has been so long that I have posted on this blog that instead of logging into my bloggers account I am typing on a word document, not out of habit… yeah been writing too many documents at work… but out of sheer uncertainty. Uncertain! I am about just too many things… but I am also scared to voice them out.
Life hasn’t been out right evil to me… no. Though I have had major setbacks in my life… some deep depressions too and a few famines as well, now that we are counting, but I know I have had a pretty decently normal life so far.
It is the complexities of this normalcy that makes me all nervy.
I am Engaged to be married to my Boy Friend of almost 6 years. Great News?!?! Yes indeed!! Excited?!?!? Well… not really. I am normal. No butterflies in the stomach… no soon to be a bride jitters… nothing. I am normal. I am my cynical, sarcastic, extremely moody, frequently arrogant NORMAL self!
I wanted to get married… till last November, maybe because… I don’t remember now, why… but I did for some real reason want to get married. I was the one who bugged him to let his parents know… I would go about narrating to him every single statement my family made in regards with my marriage… to show urgency and criticality of the matter.
April, Engaged. May, uncertain….. Dec, approaching too soon!!!
I am uncertain, but not about getting married to him. He is the only person I would want to get married to, whenever I do. It’s just that I am so comfortably normal that it doesn’t seem right.
You don’t get married everyday…. It is once in a life time event (I am talking in my own respect)… so why the hell am I so frigging normal. I want to feel all the emotions I haven’t felt in all these years… I want my eyes to well up or my cheeks to turn pink or maybe just a few goose bumps!! But nope!! Nothing. Normal!!
I guess, maybe, as the time progresses (like it is not already….) I will start getting all those things a bride to be needs to know before she becomes the bride…
I want to be one hellov a difficult, anxious, tantrum-ish bride who would convulse at any and all the time…. Then I guess it would not be so frigging NORMAL!

SHE

Draft 02/10/2010 (Incomplete)

I am She!!

Hi...

Good to see you, yes! you, on the other side of this screen...

I have shared with you a few of my stories, in one way or the other, my experience and my feelings...

Today I will share some of my learnings about me, She....

1- She is amusing!

2- She is attracted to anything and everything she has not seen before

3- She is not scared of people

4- She can live without a certain people she thought she couldnt

5- She loves herself but not the best

6- She is not a great fan of beaches but she likes the sound of waves

7- She doesnot mind travelling alone, she enjoys her company!

8- She is friendly but not social!!

9 - She can misbehave with anyone, usually for reasons beyond her control, irrespective of place and person.

10-

Lessons Of Life: Lesson : Independence

Draft : 12/13/2009

So, now I am on my own... really!
From waking up in the morning to travel for an hour and fifteen minutes to catch bus to office, to fixing dinner when I come back at 1030 tired and completely worn out!!
Independence -Freedom at a Cost....!!

Dance..

Draft: 09/21/2009

He asked her, 'your last wish??'
She answered, 'you may take my soul but let me have my last dance...'
and she danced and danced and danced...

To me dance isnot an art, its not a hobby, its not something that amuses me... Dance is how I express myself... happy or sad... unsatisfied or content... dancing is how I become me again. It makes me high, intoxicates me...
I free myself with every tap of my toe and every turn of my wrist...

Are you here?

I am...

I was there too... did you notice? I visit you sometimes and wonder if you do too. Thats not correct, I should have said I visit me there sometimes, the me- that I lost gradually over time, over a decade.
I visit to see if I am new or still the same, within... am I changing or adapting, I dont know.. do you?

I always believed in signs... I thought I read them well but I am not so sure anymore.

Do you even remember me? Do you visit me? ever? I hope you do... I hope you still care... I hope you still see me!

I still believe in signs....

Happy birthday papa😘

You know it

Randomness....

Do you ever still think of me? I do... sometimes...
I think of your quiets, I think of you secret glances, I think of you following me, I think of you appreciating me, I think of you letting me go, I think of you not noticing me,  I think of you moving on, I think of you never looking back..... Oh this noise in my head!!

Happy birthday pa

Happy birthday Popsi!

You are still my most favorite. Love you the bestest and mostest !!! 

Fondest Memories

I am often overcome with some memories of the past. They stay with me for a while, make me smile and like a wave leaving the shores, retreat!
Some of my fondest memories, I am going to list out. And hope to keep adding more to this list.

1. Last bench of the class room, by the window, noise around me but I felt so peaceful. I remember I was singing a song and I remember my friend who I dearly loved sat beside me smiling and doodling. Years later when we met briefly that was the only peaceful memory I had of my friend.
2. Last day of school, one simple hug and I knew we will not meet again. But I also knew we'll be friends still!
3. College, he was standing besides me, totally checking me out! i wasnt offended strangely enough and found his mannerisms funny. He talked to me and and thought I was cool. He asked a friend about me and I surprised him by walking up to him and being friendly. The short guy, who bleached his body hair - Khobe, you will always be remembered!
4. Giggling and laughing sitting on the first bench, getting thrown out of the class by - whats his "eye balls"! Hilarious!!
5. The day i wore 69 (front) and player (back) tee to college - I had no clue it meant something other than a numbered jersey!!!
6. Those bike rides and basket ball games!! How I wish I could travel back in time!!
7. The Car pool- maruti van - resting my head on Sam's (rather wide for an 18 yr old) shoulders - overhearing the gossips ;)
8. Eiti's zen and hours spent in parking lot!!!
9. Workshop and ED class - i think I loved Engineering Drawing  and Workshops
10. Poster competition with Rashi - we made peace/earth or something!
11. Inventing gaalis - on chat!!
12. A walk with Sam discussing life in general - that was the day I discovered something about him that I didn't know before.
13.Orkut!!!
14. Trip to Agra - Everything about it.
15. Dancing under the stars.
16. A lap a head and some heart to heart!!....

I can go on forever...

from old diaries....

slowly the fog covers my thoughts
the thoughts which had you
close and near
thoughts which were true
thoughts of moments spent together
and the dreams of a future hand in hand
looking deep into your eyes...
suddenly your face started to blurr
fade
into that thickening fog
smoke of my burning heart
lost once again... but this time i lost you
and found myself!!

Happy Birthday Popsi

Nothing has changed, you are still my number 1.

Love you the most and love you the best!!!!

Happy Birthday Pa, I want to make you proud !! I love you the best and I love you the most !!!

stop... wait... i can't breathe...


its too fast... and its not thrilling!!!!

happy birthday...

Another year gone... one more birthday when you were not here...
Happy Birthday Pa!

The Back Logs...

For some time now I have neglected my blog....royally ignored it for no reason... I have been writting almost all over the place except here... so here are some of my fav ramblings...(an attempt to make it up to the place where I find peace...)

"Just want You Back...:("

Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 11:59pm

Have you crossed the underpass near Ansals Plaza in South delhi... have you noticed these four words written across the side wall...

I have...
I do always...every time I pass through the under pass my eyes invariably travel to the corner of the wall buffed with the four words... how tragically romantic it is, how crazy could a person be for another to go to this extent or just how drunk :)...
and every time I cant help but wonder did he/she, the one it was written for, too read it.. did he/she go back....
I make up stories in my mind some with a happy ending and some with a very happy ending, call me an optimist!
and know what, I too have a story, the story of how I first got to notice these four words...
I love my story too... just like all the other stories...some real some made up...

I just got reminded of this... thought of sharing...

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~

.... a comma....

, November 15, 2009 at 8:27pm

..just where the road bends and you can no longer follow the shadows ahead you will face your fear(s)... the fear of being lonely,aimless, directionless, scared of what lies ahead and the confusion - whether to step forward or trace back to safety...!!! And if you are me,you would take a moment stop and stare at the bend for what would seem like eternity....
---sunday 13th dec-- 10:06 PM---
... and then with an uncertain yet determined state of mind you take that bend what lies ahead is a dark tunnel but you know now that there will be an end to this tunnel and whne you reach the other side you would have traveled a distance you neverknew of...
... darkness is not always bad, not always negative... infact its where peace lies... unless ofcourse the noise in your head is too loud for even the darkness to consume it...
... befriend the darkness and you shall have no one to fear!!

-Nidhi

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~

picked up the pen again...

Sunday, May 15, 2011 at 5:21pm

"Its been long since I put any ink in my pen. I have always been busy, for varied reasons, but never had to inspire myself to let my feelings out in form of words. Words came out by themselves, I never had to phrase them or put them in structured sentences so they make sense. My words always were haphazard, directionless, spontaneous, vague... just like me.

It changed. I changed.

My words dont come out any more. They prefer to stay inside my head. Its like Physics. Remember The Brownian Motion. Well, thats precisely what I am getting at. I was never good at Physics, my brain is not supplemented enough to understand so many laws. And that explains a lot of phenomenons which happen in my life..."

This is a draft from last year... saved, incomplete, never shared - just like a lot of other things in my life...

Looks like, its time I start unfolding.. its time i start completeting things I start...its time I change, again!!!!

I Miss You...

There's a hole in my heart.. and it looks like you..

Will miss you forever!!!

Theres an ache in my heart,

Like its been hit by a dart...

An ever growing pain that just wont go.
Theres water in my eyes,

Like its been raining from the skies...

That’s the only way I let my emotions flow.
Theres a sorrow in my tone,

So I am sitting here alone…

I wont talk else my sadness would show.
Theres secret I have kept,

And theres a reason, I wept…

And that’s something I wont let, anyone, ever know!

Happiness...

What is happiness???

Is it the fleeting emotion you experience when you are doing something you are good at or when you achieve something you thought you were never capable of? Is it the feeling you get when you are assured of not falling, not failing or is the state of mind you achieve when things go your way?
Is happiness a temporary hormonal reaction your body/mind/heart (I am still not sure which part of "us" has the sensory receptors of happiness same way as I don't know where exactly on my tongue i feel sour and chilly hot) experiences under certain specific/general but favorable circumstances!!

I searched Wikipedia (where I think you can find anything, even the lost left of your blue socks), and this is what the wiki-guy has to say about Happiness-
Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.[1] A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources.
Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. Happiness in this older sense was used to translate the Greek Eudaimonia, and is still used in virtue ethics.

To understand this I guess I would require Dictionary.com and more Wikipedia :|.

After "wiki-ing" I decided to seek my answer in the quotes of some famous men/women. Most of them, as per my understanding, weren't sure either! (I am not trying to draw any corollaries here .. :/).However the words did leave a smile on my face...happiness?? I dont know.

I could still not find a convincing answer to "What is happiness?"

Is happiness, as some Unknown guy, said,
Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have. or is it dwellings of soul
(one more part of human anatomy I dont know the location of, but its supposed to be somewhere inside us, where.. no one knows)...

Is happiness the conviction that you are loved or is it lack of self doubt, discontentment, anxiety, grief, jealousy and so on...

What is happiness after all....